For 5 years I’ve tried to have a good relationship with my in-laws. Things never get better with them though. My father-in-law sexually harassed me, and even upon my husband’s request to quit touching me inappropriately, he kept on doing it until I broke the new to his wife (my MIL). Besides these incidents that left me forever traumatized, FIL is demeaning and offensive to my husband regularly. My mother-in-law didn’t approve of my union with my husband and made that very clear from the moment we decided to move in together. I made efforts by doing them favors, visiting them (without my husband), buying them gifts, assisting them in their business…etc. We were going to purchase our first home, had saved for a down payment plus my parents were gonna match up everything we saved. My husband works for his parents but receives only 30% of his weekly pay in check form, the rest is in cash because my in-laws don’t want to pay taxes I guess. My husband works almost 90 hours a week. When we finally found the perfect house, MIL decided to go M.I.A. only to announce by the end of the day that she wasn’t gonna give us his full paycheck that the mortgage broker was requesting. Result: obviously we didn’t get approved for the loan. I haven’t spoken to my in-laws ever since. Last week my husband had a terrible toothache and had to go to the dentist and have a wisdom tooth removed, it was a long process. He’s very responsible and never misses work. His pay came with a deduction for the day he went to surgery! I thought that not only because these are his parents but also because he busts his butt there 90 hours a week, he can’t take a paid day for medical purposes?
I have no future plans of ever holding a caring and loving relationship with my in-laws. My husband agrees with me because he has witnessed all that has been done(The story has many more unfortunate incidents, too long). What do you think?
Thank you all for your advice! We are a young couple, married for almost 4 years, and we have been making financial progress despite this huge problem. We’re learning the “tricks of the trade” slowly as my family lives in another country and his family isn’t helpful. Thanks again!
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Unfortunately, toxic people aren’t restricted to being just bosses, co-workers, neighbors or Ohio State football fans…they can be family members too.
While they will always be family, you don’t have to have them actively involved in your life. So sad really and it will become even more so when grandchildren come into the picture.
Is it possible for you husband to find another job? I know the economy sucks right now, but he should think of getting out working for his parents (it’s also sad that he “works for” his parents instead of “works with” them) with the same passion and intensity that one would seek to evacuate a burning building.
I would wonder about the fact that the parents only give your husband 30% of his paycheck as payroll. If he works 90 hours a week, that’s an enormous amount of time-and-a-half overtime hours. That means they’re calling him a part-time worker.
Every employer is responsible for paying a certain portion above the salary to the government for each worker. Your husband is getting cheated, because his full paycheck is not being calculated, which reduces the amount that the employer must add in extra on his behalf.
He’s also being put in danger of economic loss if the government discovers that he’s been paid under the table and did not declare part of that as taxes.
Not to mention that he is not paying much into Social Security and so will not receive as good a check when his peak earning years are over and the two of you try to survive on Social Security alone.
Above the relationship problems you mention, your husband needs to take the skills he’s developed working for his dad and get a better-paying job in the same field. Either that, or take over managing the payroll and pay himself the correct amount due. You don’t want to mess with the state or federal government over taxes. They will so win the fight, and you’ll be so sorry.
Lord have mercy, girlfriend, you make my inlaws look like saints! All this drama. You know what I’ve learned? In over 20 years I have been in my husband’s family….some of them are still stuck in their ways (think only of themselves) they think the world suppose to evolve around them and their needs…I learned to Love and release people. I had to..or they will literally drive you insane. You really don’t OWE any of them anything and if they have made your life as miserable as you say the question I have is: “Why does your husband even work for them, he needs to start venturing out on his own (any higher education or goals?) As long as he has ties to them…especially monetary they will have strings to pull on him like a puppet and it appears he’s too willing and dependent on them. My dad was working for his parents (sometimes pulling 2 shifts due to his brothers irresponsiblity) and he was not getting ahead. A lady said to him one day… and we were living in a project close to where he worked.. he had 6 kids at the time. She told him it was time for him to think about him and HIS family and THANK GOD he listened and got hired at the leading Shipyard in our town, and he worked there until he died 34 yrs! Things can turnaround you just have to get some guts and make it happen. God be with you!
SHOW THIS EMAIL TO YOUR HUSBAND.
Your husband needs 3 things:
1- He needs to get a backbone and learn how to use it.
2- He needs to decide who the most important person in the world is to him.
3- He may need a new job.
In the event these things do not take place, then YOU need a new man.
Seems to me you’ve got the upper hand here & don’t realize it… Maybe it’s time to inform your Monster-In-Law that the IRS doesn’t take kindly to people who doctor business books to avoid paying taxes… and that your husband wants to be LEGALLY compensated for his labor, INCLUDING overtime wages, paying into Social Security (VERY IMPORTANT for your qualifying for retirement!) worker’s comp, vacation/ holiday/ sick days, etc. That’ll make QUITE a difference in your credit rating, and you can decide YOURSELVES when, where & what you do with your income.
All my family & friends know straight-up that when I do business, I don’t have family or friends… business is business, pure & simple.
[Not to mention that your Farter-In-Law needs a good old-fashioned asswhuppin'.]